So many things.............

Another year and the feeling of depression is starting to sink in again. Everyone i know always looks forward to new years, however i get a feeling of dread. Because i find it is another year a person wont celebrate their birthday. Another year i find a day that had so much joy to have so much pain.
So many days in a year, yet this one day comes along you start to beleive it is the only day that exists because it is taunting you the days before you even reach it, because you dread it that much.
Another year, another day, another time to feel sad. I realise that a lot of people feel sad, all the time, every day of their lives their is somebody feeling sad for many different reasons. Yet in a world full of people you can't help but feel your sadness is the weight of the world.
When sadness creeps up on you tend to think of everything that tends to make you sad, unfortunately for me that saying is to true, everything that makes me feel sad just pops up and goes over in my head constantly.
It is times like this that really make you see all the problems that you have in your life and sit down and stare at them and think why are you sad about them. why are they problems in the first place?
To my friends i have been told i come across as someone confident, outgoing and has this calm attitude that takes everything in stride. However like everyone else i do experience problems that i don't know how to figure out. I guess that sometimes i just bottle them up so much that i don't talk about them or when i talk about them i ask everyone i know to give some advice on how to tackle that specific problem. Dealing with my problems that way makes me feel like i am swinging back and forth between facing my problems and just hiding them away.
At the moment i am bottling them up because if i face them i hurt myself and no one likes to be hurt, it is why everyone shys away from being hurt. Because we don't like the pain it inflicts. Whether it is physical pain or just emiotional pain. We still shy away from it because it hurts.
I recently solved the biggest problem i had going on in my life, i realised i liked someone as a friend and couldn't return their feelings and i ended up liking the guy that couldn't return my feelings.
Funny how life can switch the places around so easily. You tell a guy you want to be friends and then minutes later you find yourself in the exact same position and you find yourself constantly repeating in your head, Stupid.
so somehow i need to be able tp pull myself away from the position i find myself in and not get hurt in the process. Is that even possible? I guess it helps that i can still pull away and start looking for someone else.
However can i keep the the emotional blockade up when dealing with him, and still be able to pull back at the end of the day and say to myself, next.
Sometimes i find myself longing for that kindred spirit, not a lover but just a friend. You know, the friend you just can't live without and is always their. Just a 20 minute walk away. When you see them you imeadately pull them into a hug before saying hi because you just need to have the hug that just makes you feel everything is ok.
I have many of those type of friends however i just want to keep making more of them because when you have so many problems, so many worries in your life. It's the hug that makes it all better even for a moment before you come back down to earth again and realise you still have to deal with the problems. It is why i find husg are the best way of making someone feel better because they offer the comfort you sometimes just can't put into words. They show someone is their with you and your not alone when dealing with things.

The whirring thoughts inside my head.....

The world. A big place yet whenever we think about our problems we always think it is the biggest thing in the world. When in actual fact it isn't. We are just one tiny spect of dust in a big world filled of problems. However because most of us are thinking of number 1 (ourselves) we tend to forget about the 6 Billion other people out their who could be suffering more than you.
Sometimes we can't help but think of our problems as the biggest thing that is going on because we are just dealing with a small part of the world in our lives. Dealing with Univeristy, Dealing with friends, Dealing with family. The list goes on, therefore it is no wonder we only really think of our own problems when we only experience a small fragment of what the world is offering us.

Everyone has problems, whether they are big or small. They are still problems. The question is how do we deal with them? Some people ignore them and let them sort out in their own time, they face the problem head on and sort it out or they can deal with it in everyone persons own way.
I deal with my problems by either thinking on them or facing them head on. They have been times were i have ran and hid from them because they were just to much to handle.

Well so far my problems were not sorted. I did sort of them out but them they mixed theselves up so i really don't know how to handle them at the moment. hopefully they will sort them selves out in time and i am hoping i like the outcome.

The thing we all crave...

I have been told i can talk a lot but at the moment i have a lot to say but i don't know how to write it down. It seems i know a lot of people who are all craving the same thing. Love.
A simple little world yet it means to much to everyone. We love our family, Friends and Lovers. However for everyone this one word has many expectations. So many different expectations.

Everyone wants love, no matter what we crave it in some form. Whether it be from family or friends or that really great guy or girl we want to find. I know many people that i have the same thought for, is that i wish them luck in finding somebody to make them extremely happy. That somebody who makes them smile but not just any smile but 'that smile'. That everything is fantastic smile. Somebody who will make the person feel so loved that they are consumed with it. Somebody who just looks at you in that way that just makes you know that everything is great with that person around.

I have met only a few people who have had those sort of qualities in their reltionship and i feel they are really lucky to find that person. It just makes you feel warm inside because you know that sort of thing does exist in the world yet however you also feel that numbing coldness is well where you know you don't have that. I beleive it is the one time you can be so cold and yet feel so warm at the same time.

Myself. I have many ideas of what love is like with someone you have that sort of connection with. I will admit on many occassions i have thought i felt that beginning spark where you think this connection you have with someone will turn into something great. However it doesn't work out in some way or some form. So you are just happy being their friend instead. Because at least in some way you get to keep that connection and still feel happy you have someone else that is close to you. The circle of ever growing friends.

However like anyone we do crave for the other half that is supposedly our soul mate. You can ask anyone of my friends and they will admit i am quite the romantic because i am always loving those type of films that have the perfect love scenes and the type of things you see with people when your out and about that radiate that happiness you just wish you had it or were close to finding it.

Well i am tired and i have lots more to say but right now i kinda feel lonely and i fancy sleeping of the lonelyness night world hopefully some of you have the one that makes you happy.
Hopefully my friends will find that happyiness soon too.
Hopefully myself too......

Ramblings of a 19 year old .....

Hello world, i am back again to spread more news about my life into the internet system.
I can say it has been a sorta hectic couple of days. Being here, doing this, catching up with this person and going out to this place. I can admit thou i would no have it any other way.
At the moment the biggest problem i face in my life, is whether or not i should take a chance with something. At the moment my thoughts are a confused jumble words and sentences which i just can't put right. I am telling myself one thing and then telling myself something different.
I guess you could say it is a fight between my heart and brain and at the moment it seems like my heart is winning out.
I guess that is the thing with chances we either take them or let it pass us by. I personaly don't like the idea of chances passing us by. Like the chance to go on holiday and experience something entirely new. For me i actually get to do some serious thinking about this chance. i will admit now after a few days of having to think about it i am starting to finally piece words and sentences together so i am able to understand things clearly.
I was finally able to go out last night and have a laugh and a bit of a dance and i am happy to report i had one good night. I also got an early christmas present in the form of cowboy guns :) Very happy with that (gotta love the law society social - Russell Espicially).
Well that is basically a update of some of the major things that have passed in the story that is my life. Some confusion and some down right good :)
I have recently been taking a walk down memory lane, mainly to many friends i have had over the years. Some friends i will admit stand out more than others because i used to think i shared that unbreakable bond of friendship with them, however i have come to understand that many friends i have had in the past had hurt me majorly at one point.
3 Friends i were extemely close with didn't like the fact i got a boyfriend and it was getting serious so they actually set up a hate group about me and asked all my friends around me to join, shockingly enough a forth of them did.
'Friendship' for me i am never able to define it, because i find that with everyone you meet your friendship is different with each and everyone. One friend may be the person you go to for advice and youy offer yours in return, another friend may be the one you always joke around with and another friend may offer you that kind of friendship that is special and unbreakable that you find that you miss them when you don't see them that day.
Since i have been at uni i have made many friends each that have their own definition everyone of them are different. I love the fact that all of them are different because it just makes them unique and i love them all for being that unique.
Wel i have been rambling and i need to go for a shower and should really clean up my room, ha ha when i get round to it :)

I'm off to enjoy the world because what is their to do :)

everything and anything.....

Well it has been a odd few days, finally back in leicester and back to my fabulous duvet which is my lovely protector from the cold. So i sit here now in my duvet ready to type another blog about my thoughts over the last few days.
First and formost i got my stiches out, finally the last shreds of hospital and doctors visits has disapeared and i wont have to go back there for a while. So my message to the doctors and nurses i have dealt with over the past few weeks is "Thankyou, you will never see me again".
I am really glad i can finally get on with the last bit of my healing and wont have to go back to a place i beleive was becoming my second home in leicester. Since i could say that i have been to the hospital more times than i have been to the town centre. In my opinion that should be backwards since i should be spending my money and realising i have none left for food.
My other thoughts travel to my friends that i missed ever so much while i was away. I love being at home but when you have grown so close to people, you really want to see them again so you can smile all the time with them.
I can honestly say i didn't realise how much i cared for them until i was separated from them all, i guess the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder would be correct in these terms.
I missed laurens random comments, Libors constant texting, Dans big hugs and ollys stories :) Just to name a few things.
I don't think i couldve gotten through hospital without having lauren and libor visit me. They were constantly re-assuring me i was going to be fine. I will admit i was scared, first time visit in a hospital and your being told there going to take you to surgery to deal with your problem. When they told me that i was sure i was having some sort of panic attack. however i had 2 great emotional supports which i was very greatful for :)
I am glad being away from everyone and everything is over at least until christmas. when i get to home and wait for my nephew to be born. I am going to be an auntie again and it is going to be awsome.

I guess my mind recently has took a different turn. Mainly tonight. I am still shocked when i get told someone is interested in me because i always believe they could not be interested in me. however recently i was told that somebody does like me and usually i have a good grip on my emotions, always knowing what i am feeling and what is causing it but at the moment i am stumped.
I am stumped cause i don't know what my feelings are. Since i have been at uni i will admit there have been many guys who i have had a fancy for, however they have seemed like passing phases, like adjusting to uni life you might say. I have come to find that each guy i have had a fancy for has ideals i like in them and i find myself wishing that all those separate qualities i liked in each of them would accumulate into one person. (Wishful Thinking)
I know of one guy that has a lot of girls fancy him, sometimes i find it funny that he doesn't realise that he is quite a catch for a girl because if i know women he is exactly what half of the bloody women population is looking for. However i wish him luck on finding a girl that will make him truly happy because i feel that he would deserve no less than to be happily in love with a girl that makes him feel complete.
I have many friends who a guys and that have many great qualities about them, i just think women are too picky to settle for one guy and will try keep looking to find the better upgrade as someone once refered it to.
However at the end of the day it is the women who knows what she likes, same with guys they know what they like.
i guess for me i am having trouble of whether i like the idea or not. i guess i am going to have to do a lot of thinking on this subject. I warn people now if am grouchy in the morning it is because i was up all night confused :)

Recently is seems people are talking of there exs, past feelings or flings. It seriously makes you start to look back on some of the feelings you have had for different people over the years. For me only one signifcant person sticks out because i beleive that was the only person i had real feelings for. The rest i will admit i was to young to understand lol.
I will admit i loved him, i thought of him as my world and spent a lot of time with him. However i always had a term in my heard that stuck with me for ages because after a while it was how i constantly felt. 'A bird in a cage'.
It is not a nice feeling being caged, i centainly did not like and i am happy to admit i finally broke out of the cage and have been flying freely for ages and i am loving every minute of it. People have said to me that they never could beleive that i used to be a bird in a cage because i act so freely and i am laidback. I guess one never knows somebody elses past.
One person could have cheated on there girlfriend or boyfriend and you could believe them to be the most innocent person on the face of the earth. for me that was how i felt, i thought i knew him and then my worst nightmare sprung on me and i was forever a bird in a cage, able to fly but never far enough until i was pulled back.
I guess now i ind it hard to think about that reltionship because it was so hurtful but exactly the opposite at the same time it just confuses me to hell and back.

Well peeps i will have to say good night because i have been typing for a while about my random thoughts, hope i didn't bore you to much, night world x

once again i am rambling....

well where do i start. i probably seem like a girl that doesn't really have many troubles since i am usually laid back and let the world pass me by, help out where i can and try and make as many people smile as much as i can.
Usually when i have problems i usually shut myself off from people and seem a little lifeless cause i am always thinking. There have been many occasions back in school where i have been like that and people have repeatly called my name trying to get my attension. It takes a while but eventually i do respond.
I have noticed i usually get like that around christmas because i find it is a time of year that many people love but i find it hard and lonely. For me i always have that one person missing, i never really got over the fact that their not there anymore. I am haunted by memories of her. Sometimes the memories are good and sometimes they are bad and even times where there just plain confusing.
I still find christmas time weird without her around, no older sister to look up too, no more older sister laughing with my family at dinner. I find it painful being reminded of it so usually i just don't try and think about her.
It is not often i am reminded of her because i have learned to surpress the thought of her maybe, however i find myself in a situation which springs on me when i least expect and the outcome leaves me feeling confused, weird and another emotion that still can't determine.
while i am not reminded of her, people are reminded of her through me. I have had many comments saying i look just like her and that leaves me feeling weird.
I have a weird relationship with my grandmother i had not seen her in 5 maybe 6 years and when i finally went to see her, her immediate response is "hello, you look just like hayley". the first sentence that is said to me after six years. The same thing happened over and over again before that incident and after.
I just think to myself am i a living reminder of her for everyone else. I am told i am just like her yet i don't know if i should feel complimented because i look like the sister i cherished so much or i remind them of someone who is dead.
The one comparison that realy freaked me out was when i singing one night in my home, i would say it was about 12.30 maybe later, didn't realise the time and continued singing. i eventually woke up the next morning and my mum said something that disturbed me greatly. She first said not to sing at night because it woke her up, i said sorry about to walk away when she said the thing that disturbed me, she said i sounded like hayley and when she woke up in a sleepy hazed state her first thought was hayley? was she singing upstairs? until she realised it wasn't but it was me.
I really don't know how to react about it. At least i can say this christmas is different because for once after about 5 years i am excited because i am getting a new addition to my family a little nephew to be born around christmas.
i have been rambling and should really get on with my uni work, i just find i don't have the motivation to do it at the moment maybe in a hour i will.

Spare time...

Ok, i will admit typing another post minutes after i just posted another just says how much free time do i have? Even thou i am a uni student i am not hurrying my work when i have an extenstion to do it.
I guess i am typing another blog so soon is because since i came out of hospital, i have many thoughts now that i am by myself a lot to recover.
So many things that i think off yet i know not how to express them. My biggest thought is that of what i have blogged about before, yet i am a firm beleiver that it does exist. I love seeing it for real even if i am a spectator and not experiencing it myself because the looks, the atomsphere, just everything you see just makes you think lucky people.
I love how life can bless the many different people that are in the world with different forms of happiness. When someone finds that best friend that you just can't live without. (Can't have a lauren without a libor and can't have a libor without a lauren) Having the family around you to support you even if they are far away some place else. Having that person that just makes everything seem so right that you just can't live without them (Whether they are friends or a lover) So many different things yet i come across people that want to give it all up.
To these people is life really so bad that they have to give up, sometimes i just think that maybe they just can't help but want to find a way to make the pain go away and it seems to be the only option. Sometimes these decisions can't be helped but i wish i could help them just if it makes them see a little light about a life we have been granted even if we do find little happiness, we can at least be happy we found some sort of happiness in a world that seems to have many sorrows.
I beleive i have many forms of happiness in my life, my family, my friends and many other things that are very small yet give me a lot to be happy about. I haven't found 'Mr. Right' as some would call him but i am hopeful that i will find that someone.
My family are a major peice of happiness i have cause i may be a pain in the ass daughter with the amount of problems i have had since i have came to leicester, but no matter what there always there trying to find some way to solve the problem or give me that support which i will find i will always need from them because i happily admit i would never be able to have a foundation if my family wern't part of the supports.
My friends, i love them all to peices. At the moment i am away from some of them but even if their away from me there always making me smile, can't wait to return to them soon. I will repeat what i said before if i didn't have the great friends i have i wouldn't have a foundation because i find that their there when the shit comes crumbling down.
Lauren: my big sister in every sense of the word, love her to peices, always making me smile and laugh at some random comment, most of the time it is her blunt responses that make me laugh so much. She always tries her best and would do anything for her friends without a second thought. Wouldn't change one bit about her and i find leicester and uni isn't the same without having big sister lauren about.
Libor: What can i say..... You don't meet many guys that you can happily say with full confidence that he is a good guy through and through. I happily say that is exactly libor. One heck of a good guy and i find myself lucky to know him. He has an ironic nickname Dr. Hurt because he is the oppsite of the name, always wanting to help and will always think of everything little thing he can do just to get a smile. So i am happy when he is all smiles.
Olly: Has the most random stories to tell me and always making me giggle in lectures. i find that there is still more to know about him but i am looking forward to finding out. Media wouldn't be the same if their wasn't olly in them.
Dan: Has so many problems in his life that he just doesn't deserve. i just wish i could take away all his pain and throw it out the window or something. Such a nice guy and demon tv wouldn't be the same if he wasn't there.

I am sure there are many other people but i will admit it is past 1 in the morning and i am tired. so i will finish my rant for now and tuck myself into bed, but my mind feels a lot more lighter.

Longing Again.......

This time i admit i brought it on myself. It didn't randomly sneek up on me this time. It is something that i am starting to want to experience just to have that feeling.
You see it in films, books, newspaper stories and even see it in people if your lucky enough. However for me i am sincerly wanting it, just to reach out a grab it and to experience it would be brilliant.
Once again the word 'however' comes into the mix. Cause you need something else, something that i just don't have. I am told i am this and i am that, all compliments from people around me in my life. All who i love so much because it what makes the best part of the day, just to see them.
I try and see myself in those compliments. Sometimes i can never make the connection how i am that person people say i am. I can sometimes see it, what they see in me. Then other times i just think it is not possible. That just might be myself doubting i can be that person ,when in actual fact i am and i just don't notice it.
There all nice compliments i receive and it makes me think if i am that person how come i haven't found 'him'.
I beleive i still haven't experienced the world yet, slowly i am but there is still more to come, maybe even 'him' (if i am lucky enough). However i will admit i would love to have that feeling even if it is only brief, like having the one perfect kiss, in that perfect moment.
To some people what i am typing may seem wishful thinking but sometimes wishful thinking is what makes you hope that someday you have that ultimate feeling that i beleive is elusive.
Just what is it like to have it? Is it that elusive?

The Random Feeling.....

Well i have now started a blog of my own. I find it is a good little way of gettings things of the mind because when you can't say it to someone say it to your blog.
It seems i find recently that this one lone feeling keeps creeping up on me is 'longing' for something i find so elusive sometimes i don't think it exists. I thought i had it once however i didn't think it was supposed to hurt you so much. Also when you think this is what that lone feeling is and you endure the pain for it and realise that it was for nothing you feel even more stupid for it.
Maybe it is so elusive because maybe a number of us only really find it. When were lucky enough to find it or think we have found it we try hold on to it so much cause it makes you that happy.
Me personally i am confused as to whether it exists or not?
If it does exist will i find it? will i just let it pass me by? will i be so oblivious that it is right in front of my face that i will just ignore it in plain sight? so many questions that i can't answer.
I wish i could answer, it would save a whole lot of thinking on my part and this random feeling creeping up on me whenever i least expect might disapear.
Will it forever be elusive to me? or will i somehow find it?