Another year and the feeling of depression is starting to sink in again. Everyone i know always looks forward to new years, however i get a feeling of dread. Because i find it is another year a person wont celebrate their birthday. Another year i find a day that had so much joy to have so much pain.
So many days in a year, yet this one day comes along you start to beleive it is the only day that exists because it is taunting you the days before you even reach it, because you dread it that much.
Another year, another day, another time to feel sad. I realise that a lot of people feel sad, all the time, every day of their lives their is somebody feeling sad for many different reasons. Yet in a world full of people you can't help but feel your sadness is the weight of the world.
When sadness creeps up on you tend to think of everything that tends to make you sad, unfortunately for me that saying is to true, everything that makes me feel sad just pops up and goes over in my head constantly.
It is times like this that really make you see all the problems that you have in your life and sit down and stare at them and think why are you sad about them. why are they problems in the first place?
To my friends i have been told i come across as someone confident, outgoing and has this calm attitude that takes everything in stride. However like everyone else i do experience problems that i don't know how to figure out. I guess that sometimes i just bottle them up so much that i don't talk about them or when i talk about them i ask everyone i know to give some advice on how to tackle that specific problem. Dealing with my problems that way makes me feel like i am swinging back and forth between facing my problems and just hiding them away.
At the moment i am bottling them up because if i face them i hurt myself and no one likes to be hurt, it is why everyone shys away from being hurt. Because we don't like the pain it inflicts. Whether it is physical pain or just emiotional pain. We still shy away from it because it hurts.
I recently solved the biggest problem i had going on in my life, i realised i liked someone as a friend and couldn't return their feelings and i ended up liking the guy that couldn't return my feelings.
Funny how life can switch the places around so easily. You tell a guy you want to be friends and then minutes later you find yourself in the exact same position and you find yourself constantly repeating in your head, Stupid.
so somehow i need to be able tp pull myself away from the position i find myself in and not get hurt in the process. Is that even possible? I guess it helps that i can still pull away and start looking for someone else.
However can i keep the the emotional blockade up when dealing with him, and still be able to pull back at the end of the day and say to myself, next.
Sometimes i find myself longing for that kindred spirit, not a lover but just a friend. You know, the friend you just can't live without and is always their. Just a 20 minute walk away. When you see them you imeadately pull them into a hug before saying hi because you just need to have the hug that just makes you feel everything is ok.
I have many of those type of friends however i just want to keep making more of them because when you have so many problems, so many worries in your life. It's the hug that makes it all better even for a moment before you come back down to earth again and realise you still have to deal with the problems. It is why i find husg are the best way of making someone feel better because they offer the comfort you sometimes just can't put into words. They show someone is their with you and your not alone when dealing with things.
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