well where do i start. i probably seem like a girl that doesn't really have many troubles since i am usually laid back and let the world pass me by, help out where i can and try and make as many people smile as much as i can.
Usually when i have problems i usually shut myself off from people and seem a little lifeless cause i am always thinking. There have been many occasions back in school where i have been like that and people have repeatly called my name trying to get my attension. It takes a while but eventually i do respond.
I have noticed i usually get like that around christmas because i find it is a time of year that many people love but i find it hard and lonely. For me i always have that one person missing, i never really got over the fact that their not there anymore. I am haunted by memories of her. Sometimes the memories are good and sometimes they are bad and even times where there just plain confusing.
I still find christmas time weird without her around, no older sister to look up too, no more older sister laughing with my family at dinner. I find it painful being reminded of it so usually i just don't try and think about her.
It is not often i am reminded of her because i have learned to surpress the thought of her maybe, however i find myself in a situation which springs on me when i least expect and the outcome leaves me feeling confused, weird and another emotion that still can't determine.
while i am not reminded of her, people are reminded of her through me. I have had many comments saying i look just like her and that leaves me feeling weird.
I have a weird relationship with my grandmother i had not seen her in 5 maybe 6 years and when i finally went to see her, her immediate response is "hello, you look just like hayley". the first sentence that is said to me after six years. The same thing happened over and over again before that incident and after.
I just think to myself am i a living reminder of her for everyone else. I am told i am just like her yet i don't know if i should feel complimented because i look like the sister i cherished so much or i remind them of someone who is dead.
The one comparison that realy freaked me out was when i singing one night in my home, i would say it was about 12.30 maybe later, didn't realise the time and continued singing. i eventually woke up the next morning and my mum said something that disturbed me greatly. She first said not to sing at night because it woke her up, i said sorry about to walk away when she said the thing that disturbed me, she said i sounded like hayley and when she woke up in a sleepy hazed state her first thought was hayley? was she singing upstairs? until she realised it wasn't but it was me.
I really don't know how to react about it. At least i can say this christmas is different because for once after about 5 years i am excited because i am getting a new addition to my family a little nephew to be born around christmas.
i have been rambling and should really get on with my uni work, i just find i don't have the motivation to do it at the moment maybe in a hour i will.
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