Phantom of the opera and super powers .....

recently i have been repeating the same word over and over again since i left leicester which is i am bored. So i decided to indulge and get a new dvd which was the Phantom of the opera since my sister constantly listened to the soundtrack and hearing that down the hall in my bedroom for 3 days running can give you cravings to actually see the film...... and see it i did.
I watched it and found myself lost within a story that had me balling my bloody eyes out annoyed that the phantom did not get the women he loved. The film told quite a story that has me wishing many times over that something like that would happen to me just because we all seek a bit of an adventure and that one big story of a lifetime that makes our life worth living.
For some it is finally accomplishing there life long dream of becoming an author or a doctor or a nurse or in my case a film producer and directing films on the side. Sometimes it is finding that all consuming love that many girls and some boys dream about.
I have noticed when we say stuff along the lines of i wish i could do this or experience that some people always say the most commonly used phrase like i wish i could fly, i wish i could teleport and i wish i could experience travelling around the world however many times i have wished that i could enter stories that reside in books, movies and in people minds. at least that way you would experience so many things and never run out of how many adventures you could live because all you would need to do would be to pick the next story...........

Finally hitting home.......

What can i say....... It is 4:30 in the morning and i am balling my eyes out because everything has finally hit home. I know i have two more years of uni but without the people that made uni my home it seems rather pointless. It seems all of them have now gone home to either get a job or getting ready for a new degree or doing an apprenticeship for the next year.
I know i will make new friends as i have two years left, however none of them could ever replace the fact the friends i made became my family. One big sister that i adore so much and big brother that i couldn't live without.
I find the idea of the new year at uni daunting as when i did when i came for the first time. the idea that now i have to make sure i work hard to get what i want in my degree cause the work actually matters now. Carrying on demon TV o that it can live up to what it became this year. Most importantly not having family 10 minutes down the road to go to.
I'm thinking i need tissues now since i have finally stopped balling lol.

Ramblings of a confused nineteen year old......

Well were should one start when there is so much on their mind........ Since i began Uni i have been on one hell of a roller coaster ride. Some of the best things have come out of being at uni and the best thing i would say is my friends. I think if i didn't have them i would be one jumbled mess. At the moment i am at home for the easter holidays spending some well needed time with my family. That is the setting of where i am going to spill my emotions out in this blog of mine. Since i have been at Uni i have had the same thing happen to me, my friends starts to fancy me and i can not return those feelings because i am scared of commitment. This phobia of commitment of mine seems to be rather stupid because there are times were i crave the feeling of being with someone and have that special feeling and there are other times were i turn tail and run as quick as i can out of there. People have seen me rip my hair out and be crying because i am so confused by my emotions longing for one thing but when faced with the very thing they are longing, it is run and hide under a rock and come out again sometime later. Then the cycle of facing the problem and hiding again repeats over and over again. I know where this problem stems from...... from a stupid reltionship i had with a guy who was fond of keeping me in a cage. I can honestly say i loved the guy however i was trapped and i was too afraid to let go of being in a reltionship to the extent i got hurt from it. When i finally pulled myself away from him, i felt freedom and it seems to be like a drug that i simply enjoy to much. I want to keep my freedom but somehow have the feeling of a reltionship.................. Can i be anymore screwed with what i want........... well until i have a some sort of stablised foundation with these emotions i will continue to be a mess........... til next time

The silly world.......

well i would have to say that the last two weeks have been playing bloody havok with my emotions. First there feeling this and then suddenly feeling that or not feeling anything at all. I would like to get off the rollercoaster now and have my emotions back on stable ground where i can understand them and not having butterflies in my stomach because there about to be turned upside down, twisted and right side up again. It seems since i have entered university i have been discovering myself. What i am capable of, who i am now and where i am going in life but the one thing that has definitely changed since uni is my love life. it was dorment for an entire year then BAM, boys start to climb up through the woodwork and decide to make themselves known. Now it is not like it is not flattering to find out some guy likes you it is only sucks however when you do the same thing twice in the same year at uni. I don't like things repeating themselves and unfortunately this happened. The first time it happened it eneded on purely friendly terms and he is still my close friend now. however the second time didn't turn out so well. unfortunately this ending on not so friendly terms. I've noticed that i have seem to have an aversion to relationships. Everytime i approach the idea i ran the other way cause you can say i am scared of the prospect of being a caged bird again. I know that now every guy is like the one that made me afraid, however i just can't seem to shake my fear for relationships. I know my emotions arn't dead since i do fall for some guys however i need that one thing i beleive reltionships can't live without and thats the spark. you get different sparks ones for friendship, one for family, and definitely one different for someone you have an interest in. For me whenever i got the spark with somebody i just found it so easy to be in their pressence and everythign would just click into place, there would be so much chemistry that the need to make conversation wouldn't be needed it would just be plain and simple like riding a bike first you have on the training wheels and then you take them off and your off to explore something that you find easy after the first try. I guess i am just going to have to face my fears sometimes however i think i will wait for that spark to make itself known and then maybe i will take a step forward. Althou i have have to say libor you know how to cheer a girl up, show me card tricks any time from you they never get old just more and more interesting :)

Mutterings

Well here i am again. It seems I make this mistake a lot and never learn from it. I just sometimes wish to experience that moment where i am swept away in my emotions and not have to worry the consequences because the consequences are not bad they are good.
So many times when will i finall catach a break ...................

So many things.............

Another year and the feeling of depression is starting to sink in again. Everyone i know always looks forward to new years, however i get a feeling of dread. Because i find it is another year a person wont celebrate their birthday. Another year i find a day that had so much joy to have so much pain.
So many days in a year, yet this one day comes along you start to beleive it is the only day that exists because it is taunting you the days before you even reach it, because you dread it that much.
Another year, another day, another time to feel sad. I realise that a lot of people feel sad, all the time, every day of their lives their is somebody feeling sad for many different reasons. Yet in a world full of people you can't help but feel your sadness is the weight of the world.
When sadness creeps up on you tend to think of everything that tends to make you sad, unfortunately for me that saying is to true, everything that makes me feel sad just pops up and goes over in my head constantly.
It is times like this that really make you see all the problems that you have in your life and sit down and stare at them and think why are you sad about them. why are they problems in the first place?
To my friends i have been told i come across as someone confident, outgoing and has this calm attitude that takes everything in stride. However like everyone else i do experience problems that i don't know how to figure out. I guess that sometimes i just bottle them up so much that i don't talk about them or when i talk about them i ask everyone i know to give some advice on how to tackle that specific problem. Dealing with my problems that way makes me feel like i am swinging back and forth between facing my problems and just hiding them away.
At the moment i am bottling them up because if i face them i hurt myself and no one likes to be hurt, it is why everyone shys away from being hurt. Because we don't like the pain it inflicts. Whether it is physical pain or just emiotional pain. We still shy away from it because it hurts.
I recently solved the biggest problem i had going on in my life, i realised i liked someone as a friend and couldn't return their feelings and i ended up liking the guy that couldn't return my feelings.
Funny how life can switch the places around so easily. You tell a guy you want to be friends and then minutes later you find yourself in the exact same position and you find yourself constantly repeating in your head, Stupid.
so somehow i need to be able tp pull myself away from the position i find myself in and not get hurt in the process. Is that even possible? I guess it helps that i can still pull away and start looking for someone else.
However can i keep the the emotional blockade up when dealing with him, and still be able to pull back at the end of the day and say to myself, next.
Sometimes i find myself longing for that kindred spirit, not a lover but just a friend. You know, the friend you just can't live without and is always their. Just a 20 minute walk away. When you see them you imeadately pull them into a hug before saying hi because you just need to have the hug that just makes you feel everything is ok.
I have many of those type of friends however i just want to keep making more of them because when you have so many problems, so many worries in your life. It's the hug that makes it all better even for a moment before you come back down to earth again and realise you still have to deal with the problems. It is why i find husg are the best way of making someone feel better because they offer the comfort you sometimes just can't put into words. They show someone is their with you and your not alone when dealing with things.

The whirring thoughts inside my head.....

The world. A big place yet whenever we think about our problems we always think it is the biggest thing in the world. When in actual fact it isn't. We are just one tiny spect of dust in a big world filled of problems. However because most of us are thinking of number 1 (ourselves) we tend to forget about the 6 Billion other people out their who could be suffering more than you.
Sometimes we can't help but think of our problems as the biggest thing that is going on because we are just dealing with a small part of the world in our lives. Dealing with Univeristy, Dealing with friends, Dealing with family. The list goes on, therefore it is no wonder we only really think of our own problems when we only experience a small fragment of what the world is offering us.

Everyone has problems, whether they are big or small. They are still problems. The question is how do we deal with them? Some people ignore them and let them sort out in their own time, they face the problem head on and sort it out or they can deal with it in everyone persons own way.
I deal with my problems by either thinking on them or facing them head on. They have been times were i have ran and hid from them because they were just to much to handle.

Well so far my problems were not sorted. I did sort of them out but them they mixed theselves up so i really don't know how to handle them at the moment. hopefully they will sort them selves out in time and i am hoping i like the outcome.