Ramblings of a confused nineteen year old......

Well were should one start when there is so much on their mind........ Since i began Uni i have been on one hell of a roller coaster ride. Some of the best things have come out of being at uni and the best thing i would say is my friends. I think if i didn't have them i would be one jumbled mess. At the moment i am at home for the easter holidays spending some well needed time with my family. That is the setting of where i am going to spill my emotions out in this blog of mine. Since i have been at Uni i have had the same thing happen to me, my friends starts to fancy me and i can not return those feelings because i am scared of commitment. This phobia of commitment of mine seems to be rather stupid because there are times were i crave the feeling of being with someone and have that special feeling and there are other times were i turn tail and run as quick as i can out of there. People have seen me rip my hair out and be crying because i am so confused by my emotions longing for one thing but when faced with the very thing they are longing, it is run and hide under a rock and come out again sometime later. Then the cycle of facing the problem and hiding again repeats over and over again. I know where this problem stems from...... from a stupid reltionship i had with a guy who was fond of keeping me in a cage. I can honestly say i loved the guy however i was trapped and i was too afraid to let go of being in a reltionship to the extent i got hurt from it. When i finally pulled myself away from him, i felt freedom and it seems to be like a drug that i simply enjoy to much. I want to keep my freedom but somehow have the feeling of a reltionship.................. Can i be anymore screwed with what i want........... well until i have a some sort of stablised foundation with these emotions i will continue to be a mess........... til next time