Ramblings of a confused nineteen year old......

Well were should one start when there is so much on their mind........ Since i began Uni i have been on one hell of a roller coaster ride. Some of the best things have come out of being at uni and the best thing i would say is my friends. I think if i didn't have them i would be one jumbled mess. At the moment i am at home for the easter holidays spending some well needed time with my family. That is the setting of where i am going to spill my emotions out in this blog of mine. Since i have been at Uni i have had the same thing happen to me, my friends starts to fancy me and i can not return those feelings because i am scared of commitment. This phobia of commitment of mine seems to be rather stupid because there are times were i crave the feeling of being with someone and have that special feeling and there are other times were i turn tail and run as quick as i can out of there. People have seen me rip my hair out and be crying because i am so confused by my emotions longing for one thing but when faced with the very thing they are longing, it is run and hide under a rock and come out again sometime later. Then the cycle of facing the problem and hiding again repeats over and over again. I know where this problem stems from...... from a stupid reltionship i had with a guy who was fond of keeping me in a cage. I can honestly say i loved the guy however i was trapped and i was too afraid to let go of being in a reltionship to the extent i got hurt from it. When i finally pulled myself away from him, i felt freedom and it seems to be like a drug that i simply enjoy to much. I want to keep my freedom but somehow have the feeling of a reltionship.................. Can i be anymore screwed with what i want........... well until i have a some sort of stablised foundation with these emotions i will continue to be a mess........... til next time

The silly world.......

well i would have to say that the last two weeks have been playing bloody havok with my emotions. First there feeling this and then suddenly feeling that or not feeling anything at all. I would like to get off the rollercoaster now and have my emotions back on stable ground where i can understand them and not having butterflies in my stomach because there about to be turned upside down, twisted and right side up again. It seems since i have entered university i have been discovering myself. What i am capable of, who i am now and where i am going in life but the one thing that has definitely changed since uni is my love life. it was dorment for an entire year then BAM, boys start to climb up through the woodwork and decide to make themselves known. Now it is not like it is not flattering to find out some guy likes you it is only sucks however when you do the same thing twice in the same year at uni. I don't like things repeating themselves and unfortunately this happened. The first time it happened it eneded on purely friendly terms and he is still my close friend now. however the second time didn't turn out so well. unfortunately this ending on not so friendly terms. I've noticed that i have seem to have an aversion to relationships. Everytime i approach the idea i ran the other way cause you can say i am scared of the prospect of being a caged bird again. I know that now every guy is like the one that made me afraid, however i just can't seem to shake my fear for relationships. I know my emotions arn't dead since i do fall for some guys however i need that one thing i beleive reltionships can't live without and thats the spark. you get different sparks ones for friendship, one for family, and definitely one different for someone you have an interest in. For me whenever i got the spark with somebody i just found it so easy to be in their pressence and everythign would just click into place, there would be so much chemistry that the need to make conversation wouldn't be needed it would just be plain and simple like riding a bike first you have on the training wheels and then you take them off and your off to explore something that you find easy after the first try. I guess i am just going to have to face my fears sometimes however i think i will wait for that spark to make itself known and then maybe i will take a step forward. Althou i have have to say libor you know how to cheer a girl up, show me card tricks any time from you they never get old just more and more interesting :)